On choosing ourselves...
Off the back of yesterday being Valentine’s Day or, what my husband and I call ‘Mass Consumerism Day’, I’ve been thinking about what it means to direct some of that all-important love towards ourselves or, more specifically, to choose ourselves. Self-love might always feel like a little bit of a reach for some of us, and whilst choosing ourselves might not feel that much more achievable, disregarding it carries a hefty price.
The first half of our lives are spent mainly choosing others. During our teenage years we choose the friends who become our social circle, and in our young adulthood that continues with the addition of lovers. As we age, we create our own families that we marry or partner into and, alongside that, we bring children into the world or perhaps careers become our children of choice. The point is, the choosing up until midlife is usually directed outwards to others that need us, or in ways that we feel we ought to show up and, before we know it, it’s been a long time since we’ve truly chosen ourselves.
I’ve always felt that women change every 7-10 years based off what I have experienced in my own life, and what I’ve witnessed in other women around me, long before I knew that it was a concept in Traditional Chinese Medicine and developmental psychology. There is a ripening that occurs in women that goes way beyond the reproductive abilities of our bodies - it’s a ripening of the soul. This soul-ripening is our libido’s way of ensuring that we’re always riding the wave of forward momentum towards becoming the most actualised version of ourselves. Soul-ripening is the pivotal moment when something in our psyche shifts and we gain access to another part of ourselves that we didn’t know existed. These shifts can range from unlocking a new talent to undergoing a psychological process that changes our perspectives on relationships. Whatever the shift may be, a woman becomes a more evolved version of herself and in turn, this has a profound effect on our lives. We outgrow relationships, friendships stagnate, and career paths no longer bring us joy, if they even did in the first place. As challenging as the upheaval is to navigate and accept, soul-ripening is a vital part of our growth.
The alternative to soul-ripening is, of course, soul-sickness. This shows up in many ways in our lives from a nagging sense of discomfort to full blown anxiety and depression. In our bodies it expresses itself in issues with food, or the way that we breathe. Even our postures are a good indicator of a soul that is creative and free or, one that is repressed. Soul-sickness is relentless in its approach as it will use every means necessary to get us to pay attention and listen and so listen we must.
Midlife is a key transitional period for women and during this time our soul is nudging us more than ever before. We weren’t made to play small or be quiet, not whilst our inherent nature is creative and expressive. We possess a vibrancy that requires an unlimited amount of space to be held in, and because our modern society can’t meet that need, we must find a way of holding it ourselves. And that begins with the choices we make.
Throughout my career I have taught women the importance of filling up their own cups. Whilst this saying is a bit of cliché in the personal development world, the simplest truths often carry the most needed medicine. How can we possibly tend to our own needs when we are too busy choosing everyone - or everything - else? Choosing ourselves isn’t selfish, but an act of love that only we have the power to bestow. It’s one thing for another person to choose us, but choosing ourselves is an act of love - not only to us but also, ironically, to those around us. Choosing ourselves is saying “No!” to what society would have us believe about women’s roles, and to say “Yes!” to the loyal voice of the soul.
So, what are we waiting for? No one is going to give us permission to make those choices but us, just as no one can live our lives for us. Imagine what choosing ourselves says to our daughters, our friends, or any other woman that we might know. Imagine the movement that we start when we say “Yes!” and begin to heal from our soul-sickness. Imagine the life that's possibly just one decision away. Let’s not wait for the right time, because there isn’t one. There will never be a perfect moment to choose ourselves, other than the moment that is right here, right now.
